He doesn't want me here....

I'm here in Other Country, a little trapped, as my original exit strategy has failed, and I know for sure he doesn't want me. Not that it matters, not that it changes anything, not that it means anything to anyone but me, but he doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me, and he doesn't want me here and I just want to die a bit.

It might sound ridiculous or cliché or pathetic, (probably and most likely all of them) but knowing that the person with whom I not only saw a future with, but the person I loved above all others not only doesn't want me, but he doesn't want to see me or look at me... none of it... I feel like there’s an enormous hole inside me and nothing will fill it and nothing will make it better, and all I want to do is curl into a little ball and forget there was ever anything about me worth loving... because there isn't.

Thing is, I know exactly how horrible and stupid I sound. I can't stand the words I'm typing -- they make me physically ill. I don't want to languish in my own foolishness, but I am. I am because I loved this man with all my heart. At times I fancied I could see a future with him. I might not have been ready for the actuality of it, but the idea of getting married and settling down and growing old with someone didn't seem so terrible when I thought I was going to be doing it with him. And he didn't see any of that, and he doesn't want any of that with me and there's nothing for it except tears and goodbyes and I can't stop crying and I can't bear to say goodbye. There is not one part of me that is okay with this, not one part of me that doesn't hurt.