Beauty Blog updates

Hello, all! I hope you're all doing well. So, I'm taking a small time out from my moping and depressing thoughts to let you all know that this blog is going to be converted from a beauty blog to a personal blog. All of my beauty reviews and advice will be viewable here

I'll also be including this link in my profile here, in case you need to update bookmarks etc. For those of you who wish to continue checking this blog, it will be updated with various things, from journal-type entries to poetry, to short stories... pretty much anything I come up with at the time. Anyway, please enjoy my new blog, and my hideously self-indulgent entries to follow.

He doesn't want me here....

I'm here in Other Country, a little trapped, as my original exit strategy has failed, and I know for sure he doesn't want me. Not that it matters, not that it changes anything, not that it means anything to anyone but me, but he doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me, and he doesn't want me here and I just want to die a bit.

It might sound ridiculous or cliché or pathetic, (probably and most likely all of them) but knowing that the person with whom I not only saw a future with, but the person I loved above all others not only doesn't want me, but he doesn't want to see me or look at me... none of it... I feel like there’s an enormous hole inside me and nothing will fill it and nothing will make it better, and all I want to do is curl into a little ball and forget there was ever anything about me worth loving... because there isn't.

Thing is, I know exactly how horrible and stupid I sound. I can't stand the words I'm typing -- they make me physically ill. I don't want to languish in my own foolishness, but I am. I am because I loved this man with all my heart. At times I fancied I could see a future with him. I might not have been ready for the actuality of it, but the idea of getting married and settling down and growing old with someone didn't seem so terrible when I thought I was going to be doing it with him. And he didn't see any of that, and he doesn't want any of that with me and there's nothing for it except tears and goodbyes and I can't stop crying and I can't bear to say goodbye. There is not one part of me that is okay with this, not one part of me that doesn't hurt.

Ladies, an announcement

Stop checking your cell phones to see if they're still working. Just because he isn't calling doesn't mean your phone is broken.

That was mainly directed at myself, but its pretty sound advice overall, I think.

An Ununique Sorrow; Musings of a woman who did not have a choice

You don’t know it but I’m sorry.
I’m not sorry for the things I did wrong,
I’m sorry for that which I must do.
I don’t know if you have any idea how difficult it is,
How very hard it is, for me to say this to you.
I don’t know if you’ll ever fully appreciate
How profoundly our parting has affected me.
Mine is not such a unique pain,
But ours was a unique paring,
So in that I feel gratified.
I don’t regret a single moment we spent together
You were exactly what I wanted.
I had never considered the consequences of forever
Until the day I decided I wanted to spend forever with you.
I wish you had been taken from me
That you had not been given the choice
Because nothing is more damning
Than knowing that the person with whom I saw a future...
A lifetime of…something...
Saw nothing in me.
There is not one part of me that does not feel your loss
And there is not one part of me that is not yours.
And though it was your choice to leave
It is mine to grieve.
So I’ll turn myself to stone,
Burn myself up,
Break myself down
And forget that I wanted to spend my life with you
Because to remember is too great a burden for me to bear.
And every moment from here until eternity
Will be spent remembering a child we never had
And a future we never made,
And a love you let go,
And you won’t know it…
And for that I am so very sorry.

Off topic entirely

Nothing, really, just general feeling terrible about myself thoughts. My boyfriend of two years (with whom I had frustratingly vivid visions of a future) broke up with me two weeks ago. We've been doing the long-distance thing for a while, and had plans to move in together this summer.... Now we don't. I'm the ijot who put her life on hold for the man I loved. I'm the absolute muffin who knew he was unreliable and immature and prone to bouts of frozen-feet. I'm going to Other Country at the end of May to get my stuff back. I kind of hate everything right now, except cigarettes and whiskey, that is. (Possible hilarious musings on how whiskey is what people drink when they really hate themselves may follow.)

And since I hate everything, I'd like to add that my ceiling is raining spiders. The nasty little buggers that bite and make you swell up and turn funny colors. Like I really needed to feel even worse about myself, now I'm being bitten by spiders and turning funny colors.

So what did Lucy learn? Dating English boys leads to insomnia, nicotine addiction, and spider rain. Aren't those the first signs of the apocalypse?