Updates and such

In an attempt to sort my life out, I've decided that my two nastiest habits: smoking and drinking excess amounts of caffeine, need to no longer be a part of my daily repertoire. I celebrated this decision with a cigarette and a blue Rockstar. I can't help but wonder if my unhealthy lifestyle is a direct reflection of how uninspired my life has been of late.

Where once I looked to people to inspire me, I find them all insipid and boring. Worse yet, I get the feeling that Harvey and I speak entirely different languages. Sometimes he looks at me like I'm speaking Latin, and no one speaks Latin. You can read Latin, you can write Latin, but no one speaks it because we have no idea how it's really supposed to sound. (Interestingly enough, this is probably why the TARDIS didn't translate the Latin Donna spoke in the Fires of Pompeii [series4episode2] of Doctor Who.... yup, I did just drop some serious nerd knowledge on the unsuspecting public.)

Oh, that's right, it just now occurs to me that no one is aware of my latest romantic endeavor. I am currently dating a young man code named Harvey. There is a very specific reason why I named him this, but its so obscure I doubt that anyone will get it. I only say that because I hate when people use obscure pseudonyms for people without at least making the audience aware of their intentions. Long story short, it all makes sense when explained contextually.

Anyway, he's lovely and probably treats me better than any guy I've attempted to maintain a romantic endeavor with in the past. My complaints with him are the same complaints I have with everyone else: No one communicates the truth of anything. They're too used to having to edit themselves in order to create some false sense of intimacy. The reason why relationships fall apart after about a year or so isn't that people change or even because of the oxytocin . (Follow the link to find out what that is if you don't already know.)

Relationships fall apart because most people just over edit themselves and, in many cases, lie about who they are in an attempt to be more attractive to the significant other in question. I don't do that, which is probably why I fail at casual relationships. My current relationship is probably more serious than it ought to be considering we've only been seeing each other for 3 months, however that isn't my problem either. I have no real difficulty with intimacy, especially in a romantic setting. I suppose that's one thing I do very well: I'm an excellent girlfriend. My problem is that through him I've become surrounded by a group of people who are incredibly cellular (that is to say, they're all part of one specific social group and rarely break apart from that social group) and I don't feel like I'm communicating with any of them. I'm more frank and more open with complete strangers than I am with my proposed new social circle, and that bothers me more than I think it ought.

To make matters worse I'm concerned about my vocabulary. It's become incredibly... ordinary, and I've been relying too heavily upon people "knowing what I mean" and God-damn-it I've become one of those girls who punctuates her sentences with "Ah...um..." and the worst of all of them "like." Like should only be used to describe something that you enjoy, or to make use of an effective synonym. Using it as anything else is tiresome and makes you sound ridiculous. What's worse is that I feel as though these crutches in my vocabulary exist entirely because if I spoke the way I thought I'd spend hours explaining everything constantly. I already do that as it is. I've been told I live in mortal fear of being misunderstood.

That's definitely true... only because I'm really used to being misunderstood.