More ramblings from the insomniac....

I had an epiphany today... I actually am cleverer than most people. By that I mean, I can see the cycles people live in, the things they allow to trap themselves etc, and I know exactly what's going to happen in most social interactions, and yet, for some inane reason, I can't seem to use these powers for my own benefit. Why is that you ask?

Equal parts because I'm not a rabid douche and because I'm not interested in manipulating people into forming connections with me. Also, I can't be bothered to put in the effort to get to know people anymore, because I'm avidly and completely tired of trying to interact with people on an intellectual, sexual or emotional level and realizing that they're just not interested or incapable of reciprocating the connection. I feel so old all of a sudden, as though I've discovered some great secret about humanity and I've no one to share it with because I've only ever met my equal in one person, and he and I haven't spoken in three months.

I do miss my dear Ptolemy and the ridiculous conversations we used to get into. One of my favorite memories of him had to do with the time we stayed up all night talking ourselves into circles about time travel in a Bickfords, and he almost did a little murder because the people sitting nearby us were blatantly listening in and eavesdropping. He was amusingly overprotective, if not perhaps a trifling bit aggressive.

Considering his name, it's to be expected. Considering his nature, his aggression has always startled me. I was, I think, probably the only person who did not frustrate him, though I rather imagine that I had the capacity. I think he was just very patient with me and my inexperience. Now that I've finally come to terms with the lessons he taught me I miss him profoundly. He'd be awake right next to me, telling me to get my head out of my ass and to narrow the focus of my concern so that I'm not so exhausted by basic interactions.... or something like that. He was one of those people who was equally exhausted by the people around him, searching always for a kindred spirit or even someone he could mold into a kindred spirit, but he never actually understood the true fundamentals of intimacy.

That isn't to say that I was the person he was looking for, but more that in his search to mimic the kind of relationship he already had with me, he forgot to remember the limitations of everyone else.

... I'm all rambly... perhaps I ought to spend some time face down in a pillow. I'm tired in ways no one should be, and I'm worn out in ways that only the very old and the very cynical seem to understand.