So I have this friend...

With whom I cannot share my thoughts. It's very strange, really, because I think he's probably the only person I've ever continued to have a relationship with who doesn't know how I work. I am, of course, overestimating my aloofness, but by this I mean that when he looks at me I know for certain he has no idea what I'm thinking.

When we first met I didn't dare tell him what I was thinking because I was afraid he'd think me too foolish and naive and all those undesirable things that men think when they know too much about how a woman works. I was desperate to impress him so I kept quiet and didn't tell him much of anything, and so somehow that translated into a very complicated relationship that has spanned several years.

A typical conversation between he and I usually progresses thusly,

Him: "You look like you're thinking thoughts."

Me: "I am, it's kinda nice in here." (Point to head, smirking.)

Him: "Why don't you tell me?"

Me: "It's not important." (Change subject to avoid discussing anything meaningful.)

The problem is, I'm usually thinking all sorts of things that he might actually be interested in hearing about, but there's something about his manner and his attitude that tell me that any confidence I share with him will only be used against me. Which is absolutely stupid because he's the most laid-back person in the world and has made enough mistakes not to judge someone for their stupid thoughts. Except that I still feel like a foolish little girl whenever I'm confronted with an opportunity to share something real with him and that bugs me. I'm not sure if its because he's a bit older than me, or if its because he's one of the most noteworthy Houdinis in my phone, but I know for sure that we've been friends for 5(ish) years and in all that time I think we've had maybe one real honest conversation a year about something fundamental in ourselves. I must have talked to him about this before, but I think that we're both happy keeping my internal monologue to myself.

Interesting point of fact, though, is that he reads my work unflinchingly, even when its about him. That always makes me smile, just a bit. It makes me feel like I don't need to tell him anything because he already knows because he's done his research.